Yoga Cocaine by Daralyse Lyons

Author:Daralyse Lyons [Lyons, Daralyse]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781615994847
Publisher: Modern History Press
Published: 2020-01-01T05:00:00+00:00

Step Four:

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. (Reclining Hero Pose)

31

I’ve never kept a diary. I’ve always been too afraid someone might find it, read it, and have me committed. Now, not only do I have to write down everything I’ve ever done wrong, after I’m done, I have to share it.

April says that, until I own my past, I can’t ever break free of it.

According to her suggestion, I’m doing my inventory the Big Book way. When she showed me the chart, I told her it seemed like a lot of unnecessary work, but my sponsor reminded me that doing things my way never worked, whereas following her advice has netted me almost six months of consecutive sobriety, so I shut up.

I take a sip of tea. Cinnamon and hazelnut and vanilla bathe my taste buds. Outside, the vestiges of snow remain scattered on the sidewalk. I walk across the room and gaze down at the Lincoln Drive traffic. Not exactly a penthouse view, but a place I can be proud of—especially now that I’m caught up on rent and the landlord has stopped slipping eviction notices under my door. I open and close the refrigerator door. Stare inside for a while. Eat some grapes. Wash, dry, and put away the dishes.

Alright. Enough procrastinating. Time to fill in my chart.

When I finish, seven hours and six snacks later, I tally up the total number of names. 172 people. I’ve hurt 172 people. It’s heartbreaking—and humiliating—to see, in black and white, in my own, unsteady, handwriting, what a selfish, inconsiderate slut I really am.

Hard too given how much I used using to obliterate guilt and shame.

How did I get to be this person?

I examine the chart and try to trace life back to a moment in time when I valued other people more than my own agenda. Instead, I fixate on everyone I’ve hurt. Not just people I knew either. Strangers who didn’t do anything to deserve the ignominy that was me.

Who did I harm? How did I harm them?

What did I do? Affects

my:

Mom Had sex with her husband, repeatedly

Lied to her

Stole money from her

Ruined family holidays

Got drunk and high in her home, disrespected her rules

Distanced myself from her Self-esteem

Personal relationships

Emotional security

Material security

Dwight Seduced him

Had sex with numerous other people and rubbed it in his face

Was jealous of him and my mom

Was afraid to say no to him, said yes then resented him or was passive-aggressive Self-esteem

Personal relationships

Emotional security

Sex-relationships

Pride

Fear

Hidden sex relations

Chloe Wasn’t there for her

Was a bad sister

Missed her birthday, ruined holidays, was unreliable at events

Got high and drunk in front of her and exposed her to drugs and sex, repeatedly

Stole money from her Pride

Personal relationships

Emotional security

Material security

Rhonda Ignored her pain

Didn’t ask why she was crying

Was insensitive to her when she’s always been so kind and loving toward me Self-esteem

Personal relationships

Emotional security

Fear

The window shattered. It wasn’t my fault. True, I was the one who thrust my fist through the glass, but I had no choice. He (or was it she?) was yelling at me, and I didn’t want to get caught.

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